So recently I had an honest conversation with myself. I am always sad or frustrated about where I am in life and how far it is from the next stage. I had to ask myself, "Well what are you doing about it?" Like honestly, what actions am I taking every day to ensure that I meet my goals and take the next step in life efficiently and successfully. I used to use grad school as an excuse for why I couldn't do things. If I had time to work on blogs or websites, I had time to work on my research and academic work. So I would tell myself that I needed to use any motivation that I had to go toward grad school. However, this motivation was flighty and unstable. There were times when for a week at a time, all I could do was lie in bed. I'd only get up to eat.
Often times I deal with feeling lonely and empty. The numbness toward life takes over my thinking and I can't shake it. Then there are times that I am able to get up and do work. I say all of this to say that I think I have been making a little too many excuses for myself. While I do believe in listening to the inner voice and not pushing too hard. I also have to be honest when I am not pushing hard enough. Instead of being sad and lying around, muster that same energy to do something about it. Yesterday was a good example of that.
I had laid in bed and slept all day. I did not get up until 6 p.m. This was only because a friend told me to get up and make my bed. His thinking was that it gave me one thing to add to my list of things accomplished for the day. Also, making the bed then getting right back in it is heartbreaking so I decided to do other things. I slowly talked myself into pushing my feelings of wanting to lay down and cry to the background and looking around for something to do. I first washed my dishes. This turned into me wanting to put up my holiday decorations. However, to do that, I needed to clean up more. My living room has had big boxes in it for months because I was convinced that I would need them to move. Those jobs that I believed I would move for eventually rejected my applications. So I decided that it was time. I started to clean off my desk. It became overrun by foundations, concealers, and eyeshadow palettes. I put it all away in an organizer that I put under my desk. I wiped down the desk. I took out the boxes. Hung my curtains back up. Put up lights. Placed decorations around the apartment. Although my apartment is not the spotless sanctuary that I wish for, it is still better than it was before. If you deal with anxiety, you know that something about having a clean space removes a layer of mental fog. It's like now I just have to think through my own mess and not the mess that is also around me.
In this season, I am going to push to do the things that need to be done to ensure that my life in the future is what I want it to be. I am actually going to create a timesheet for myself where I will log in my work hours. If I want to be a successful blogger, Instagrammer, entrepreneur, content creator, etc. I have to put in the time. I need to hold myself accountable for this too. No more making excuses. We do the work in order to set ourselves up for success.