I have been thinking about going by a different name for a while now. As I was going through Instagram seeing if I could secure a logical username to match (wtf has society turned to that I did that?) and I was having these feelings. I was realizing that part of the reason why I have been so scared to go by a different name or to really take ownership of my femininity is that it really makes it all real. It's like I am trying to hold on to what was so I don't have to admit that things are changing. It also seems that by holding on, I still am trying to be accepted by people. I think that I am trying to hold on to a liminal identity in order to not be too radical. (Fair warning this is a very binary context of thinking, but go along with me for a bit.)
It is true that I don't really feel connected to a gender binary. However, it seems like I have personally been distancing myself from femininity because my proximity to it may lead to rejection. It's so odd. This is all when it comes to interacting with other people. I still go by my dead name with people so I don't have to explain anything to them.
The truth is, as of right now, I plan to fully transition. I also have been wanting to go by the name Meghan Danielle, so my initials remain the same. I just have to take that leap to do it.
It is just really scary. It is scary to be this vulnerable knowing that people will write me off because of it.
Here we go...