Lately I have really been trying to understand mental capacity. That being said, it is one of the most fluid and subjective things to try to understand. I just am having to explore how to delegate percentages of mental capacity to the overwhelming aspects of my life. I have to say that I am very guilty of allowing things to consume me, especially when they are negative. For example, if I have to go to work for 3 hours, I will spend the rest of the 21 hours dreading it to the point that I get nothing done. I know that I can't be the only one that does this. I admit that a certain amount of this is necessary. I need sleep and I also need to take care of myself since work brings such unhappiness. However, I could be productive, yet for some reason my mind will only focus on that small things. I guess that is part of depression because when I feel on top of the world, I have no problem keeping things in perspective.
With this whole situations though, I also have a problem acknowledging when I do things well. Today I was actually decently productive. I showered (which can be very taxing as a trans person), slayed this wig install, dusted/vacuumed, did some work on my website https://lafemmenoire.shop/ (shameless plug), and now I am writing a blog post. That took a lot given that at one point I laid on the floor and cried today because I am just so overwhelmed and depressed. At these times I need to pat myself on the back. It can be discouraging though when you see those people who seem to do everything and don't sweat, yet I feel like I am struggling. Does it get easier? I really wish that I knew.
I am hoping that in the summer when work slows down (students leave town so the restuarant won't be as busy) then I will be able to have more time to have a semi-regular schedule or at least be able to do things for myself. Most of my free time now is spent sleeping, drinking wine, and maintaining my sanity. It is honestly the most I can do at times, which seems so unfair at times. I don't hurt people. I am pleasant and stay to myself, but feel like I get treated poorly and have to struggle. Also I realize that this is all the sadness talking. I know that I am incredibly blessed, but these last few months of growing pains have almost taken me out. I hope that in the next month, I will be able to delegate mental capacity more easily. I know that in the future something that I want to do is do some acadmic style writing for this blog like I used to do in school. At the same time I want to be able to work out regularly, get my business to make sales and hopefully quit my job because I have other streams of income.
I feel like every blog post is a rant of thoughts that make no sense, but I like that I sit down, write, and post. I don't want this to be something that I think too hard about. I just release in a way that is conducive to me processing the things that I am going through. I sometimes laugh at the ridiculousness of this. I'm writing into the ether and maybe 10 people read it. MAYBE. I would be scary though if way more people ended up finding this blog. Ooof!