I hate this feeling. It's 4am and I can't go to sleep. I'm tired but I am so anxious. About what? Everything. It is like I feel like I have already lost before I have even done anything. Most of my anxiety comes from my transition. What do I do? Do I medically transition? Will I ever have the money to do so? What if it doesn't help my dysphoria? What if it makes me happy? What if I have to disconnect myself from personal relationships because of it?
I am definitely feeling all of those thoughts right now. Although being single sucks, it does give me the opportunity to really work through these things alone. When I am with a man, I automatically feel more feminine. When he truly recognizes my identity, I feel pretty good. Oddly enough I'm thinking academically and the concept of interpellation. Basically, I feel more at ease with my identity because it is defined by being what the man is not...one reason why I like masculine men. However, when single, I don't have that other person to make sense of my identity. I have to be me without comparison to another being. With that being said, some days a small thing can make me feel masculine and it really ruins my entire day. However, this gives me the opportunity to really work through my identity and make sure that it is not dependent on another person or anyone else's influence. This helps for if I am ever experience a breakup and have to be alone again. Also, it allows me to get a handle on my dysphoria in a way that it does not get triggered by another person's comments.
Tonight, I am also thinking of what is for me in the future of a career. I have applied for jobs and haven't gotten anything. I have my business but it is going very slow. That hasn't stopped me from brainstorming on the next steps for it though. I guess my career also plays into my identity. I want to be able to own my own businesses and be my own boss so I am never subject to a toxic work environment because of my trans identity. I want to be able to be successful and safe. Also, the level of ownership is great for me and my community.
I would love to wish for this all to be easier, but I know that would be a waste of time. Instead, I just hope that some things pick up soon. This is all really hard and luckily I have been able to deal with it. That is not always the case.