In My Head

Lately I have really been in my head. I am experiencing a lot of growing pains, so there are unresolved feelings. I wonder to myself, "What am I doing? Where am I going? Why am I doing this?"

As I am typing this, my sore hands remind me of the job that I am working right now as an attempt to get caught up financially and hopefully move on to bigger things. I'm working part time in a restaurant...with a Master's. I am not going to go into the mental torture that brings, so I'll move on from that. I am just going to say that it is so unfulfilling to not be using my mind in the capacity that I am used to. I would much rather be writing a research paper than having to make someone's burrito. It is really making me want to go back to school, if for nothing else, then to pass the time and get out of this job. Soon enough I will be able to move on.

At work, I am not out as trans, so it is a lot of misgendering. No hard feeling to my coworkers or the customers, it just is what it is. They do call me MD though, which is a blessing. To be very honest, after I get home from work, I am so exhausted from it and walking to and from it. I also feel so disconnected from myself. Whenever I have a few days off I have to take the necessary time to reset and do things to make me feel like myself. Usually that means doing my makeup and just putting on some affirming clothing. That sounds so sad now that I am writing it, but it is the truth. Sometimes, even while I am trying to do those things to help, I start to spiral. It is not fun in the least and to be very honest, if I could quit my job right now, I would for that reason alone. I just want to be able to do something fulfilling, mentally engaging, and creative that affirms my aspirations and identity. When I go to work now, I have to turn my mind off or I will have a breakdown in front of the whole store. There have been a few times when I almost start to cry as I am making someone's food.

I am lucky enough to have friends who keep assuring me that it is only temporary. I guess it is just that little voice in my head that wonders what if this isn't temporary. I do not want to be at this job a year. I don't want to be there more than 6 months to be perfectly honest. I hope that some interview and job openings come my way and I am able to move on with life. I have to keep reminding myself everyday...

Just breathe. There is a lesson to learn if you just keep a positive attitude.


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