Happy Pride to all of my queers. This is a month of celebration and to be honest, I haven't felt very celebratory. So much of our community is hurting and being targetted that it can feel bleek. Not to mention the wars that each of us are facing in our own heads. Recently my own trans identity has been coming into question in my head. I have just been second guessing myself and not really able to be my femme self.
I have talked earlier about how I don't present femme at work. It is just too hot and busy to do all of that. Plus most of the times I am not happy to be there. I barely go anywhere else either. I need to pull out my heels.
Okay, the heels are on. If I am honest with myself, I have not worn heels in months and I used to live in these things. I mean, unless I was sitting down on something low like a couch, I had them on. The only reason I didn't wear them then was because my legs would come up so high that I would just be sitting on my tailbone and it would get sore. Anywho...If I am honest with myself, part of me is not more open for fear of rejection. It's not like I care much. It's just I don't want to have to deal with that headache. Also living in the South I have just about programmed myself to ignore the sound of pronouns and really almost be comfortable being invisible. However, I am also aware when I am hyper visible.
I feel like I owe it to myself to recenter and get back on track. June marks half a year and I need to revisit my resolutions to see how I am doing. Too often I allow others and myself to get into my head and hold me back. There is absolutely no reason that I should feel the need to sit in this sadness. This is my life. I am amazing! I am full of pride! I deserve all of the good things that I desire and so does every other queer person. It is interesting to see how mych of mine and others' actions are based in trauma. Not to sound like I am trivializing trauma, but I refuse to allow those assholes to have anymore power over me. They are not concerned about me, yet I am here days, weeks, months, and years later tip-toeing around them. This is my time! This is my year! I've got this. You've got this. We've got this!