I have to say, I have been doing pretty decent in recent months when it comes to keeping my depression in check. Sure I have my days but I can generally talk myself up. These past few days have been hard. I have been feeling that deep aching emptiness that makes me feel very lonely. Lately I have just been so caught up in not being fulfilled by my work. I don't have a career yet. I have a crap job that just barely pays bills...and I mean BARELY. If I knew I could stay afloat, I would put in my 2 weeks right now. Unfortunately I am just now able to get caught up financially. I think the worst thing about my job is how exhausting it is both physically and mentally, then as a part time gig ends up covering more real estate of my week than necessary.
When I come home, it doesn't matter the length of the shift, I am tired. Like can't do anything besides sit and barely exist, or go to sleep. Also for some reason my legs and feet hurt so much. I think it is because I walk to and from work. If I work 6 days a week that is at least 6 miles just walking to and from work. Which is not a lot, but then after walking, I am on my feet constantly with no sitting. My feet just throb in the middle of the night when I wake up to use the restroom. Generally speaking, after days of working my hands get so tight from all of the manipulation. Mind you, I have played piano most of my life and typed my way through grad school, so using my hands is not foreign. Somehow though just the use of them at this job make them tight and sore. It will usually take a few days for them to relax and feel normal again, but then it is right back to work.
I already mentioned the whole exhaustion of going to work as a transitioning person. However, what I haven't talked about is the exhaustion of not doing anything. What I mean is that consistently almost shutting off your mind, especially to keep the breakdowns at bay, is so exhausting for some reason. Being a shell of myself gives me no energy. And not like a I can pull from the reserves situations of grad school. This is complete emptiness. I have to use my time off to remind myself of who I am, if that makes sense. Only then can I be able to refill the reserves that I depleted.
So when I got this job I was thinking that I would get schedules for maybe 20 or so hours. That was not inaccurate. What I was not expecting was for it to be scheduled across the entire week. So instead of working two 8-hour shifts and maybe another 4-8-hour shift, I get schedules for six 4-hour shifts. So what would have been a 3 day work week is now a 6 day work week. If this was all I wanted to do, whatever. If I only wanted to drink and smoke on my days off then cool, but that is not my reality. I am trying to grow a business, launch a YouTube career, maintain a blog, consistently post on 3 Instagram pages and one Snapchat account, and figure my way through my transition (which is one of the hardest things about this). If I am being 100% honest, that is 3-4 actual full time jobs that exist, on top of the part time job that takes time out of 6 days of my week. I don't know if I should change my availability or just save up to quit all together. I have a lot to think about, because a part time job that is taking up full time equity, but not paying a livable wage is not right and it is taking much of a toll on me.
Although this is all just a post about the negative, a few months ago I was on the verge of eviction, so it is a blessing to be in this position. I hope that things only get better from here. it would be nice to believe that had there not been a pandemic, I would be in a better place. However, assistance last summer is what gave me the money to launch my business. I guess everything happens for a reason. It is just hard to being working so hard and not see it go anywhere, if that makes sense. I had a very similar feeling when I worked at a bank before grad school. I was feeling like a hamster on a wheel that was going absolutely nowhere. Now however, this hamster is mentally and physically exhausting but being hounded to go faster.
Damn this has been a long post. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest.