Alone

Every few weeks or so, something will happen that makes me realize that I am alone. Sure I have people that I can talk to about certain things, or others that are willing to help. What I mean is that, when it comes to someone who will love, support, and encourage me no matter what...someone who will fight to the death for me and make sure that they are not also causing harm to me, I only have me. Maybe that is normal.


I was told that I had "rose-colored glasses" on. I do. It is the only thing that keeps me going the nights when I just stare out of my window longing for the moment that this all stops. Sometimes I have to consciously buy into a fantasy to ease the pain of being so unhappy and realizing that those closest to me are part of the reason for this unhappiness. I know that this is something familiar to members of the LGBTQ+ community.


Just because I put on makeup, slay a wig, and post a picture on Instagram or to my Snapchat story, does not mean that I have my head in the clouds. I am very aware of the adversity that I face and will face in life...more aware than anyone not in my shoes claims to understand. I don't need people to tell me what they think I should know by living "[my] lifestyle." What I need are people that say, "I see you, I value you, and I will fight any m******f***** that tries to treat you less that the amazing person that you are." If you can't do that, I don't want or need you in my life.


I do not care if you understand. I didn't ask for your understanding, but if you love me, you will do the research to understand. Then you will subsequently make sure that you are not part of the adversity that you say I will face in the world. Your words hurt. Your actions are tainted by what I know you think.


My positivity is not me being naive. It is me making sure that I keep surviving to make this terrible world better for people that have to come after me. I don't want any other person to feel the ounce of loneliness that I feel on my journey. I am learning that the best and most selfless thing for me to do is to prioritize myself. As I do that, my reserves for compassion are filled. I am able to naturally give without much effort because I am not running empty.


I want to show the world what it looks like to love with no bounds.


--MD

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