There are times when things in life seem to happen so fast that we don't get to or want to process them for fear of getting off track. You think you can just keep going. After my grandmother died, it took a little for me to process those emotions. I was just going on as my typical light-hearted self, but I was in mourning. I didn't know or understand those feelings. Well maybe the week after she died, I decided to watch the music Rent for the first time. I had always been meaning to watch it and I thought that my movie night was a perfect times to do so.
So Friday night...maybe around 1-2am, I am sitting in my dorm room on my bed with a pint of Häagen-Daaz...probably butter pecan. The room was pitch black besides my laptop screen with Netflix pulled up. My roommate was on the other side of the room in his bed, sleeping. I press play.
I was moving along with the song that I was all too familiar with, although I had never seen the musical. It is just one of those song that you know. I was lip-syncing and trying not to laugh at how ridiculous I was being while my roommate was sleeping...at least I hope that he was. I was soooo excited to watch this movie! In my mind the song was an overture of sorts to happy thoughts for me.
Then I watched the movie.
Then the reprise started.
Chil' when I tell you I started a'boohooing like nobody's business... I mean those tears hit me so fast that I started sucking on my bottom lip hf-f-f-f-f. After watching the entire musical, those lyrics take on a very different meaning. ON TOP OF THAT, I was grieving and refused to acknowledge it. Well that night in my dark room, 15' from my roommate, I let it out. It felt so good. It felt good to have the access to those emotions, something that I had actively been working on for years. Also it felt good to let myself think about my grandma, how much I loved her, and how much I missed her.
I have to say, I don't really know what there was to learn from this other than to let myself process emotions naturally instead of trying to repress them. I don't have some grand philosophical meaning to this story. It is just something that I think of from time-to-time. It's comforting. It is also pretty funny too. Like I didn't think it was gonna hit me like that. I kind of felt some tears, then they passed. Gurl then the flood-gates flew open and I had to clasp my mouth to keep from making noise. The worst part was that I had headphones on, so I couldn't hear myself. I was just hoping that i was crying quietly and not as ugly is I felt that I was.
But sometimes you just have to ugly cry.